The worst thing about me...!!

I would say the worst thing about me is my temper . I can keep it under wraps for a time, but then when it blows, it really BLOWS. I can go from being annoyed (say about a 3 in a scale of 10) to completely raging (a 10) in a matter of a few seconds when someone says something that really bothers me or hurts me..something that makes me explode.

I have known this about myself ever since it occurred to me to examine myself critically and yet, knowing ain't even 50% of the problem for me..it is barely like a 10% of the problem, because "knowing" hasn't done anything to get it fixed...although I wish it had.

Anger is such a powerful force in my life. I love the strength it gives me, because I would just rather be angry than hurt…crying feels like such weakness to me and even worst if people knows or realize that you've been crying. I guess somewhere along the way, life taught me that it wasn't okay to be weak or vulnerable because you give people the chance to take advantage of it and hurt you.

I am learning a couple of (not so) new things about me:

1) I have the tendency to sabotage good things
2) I seriously have a problem showing my feelings

I kind knew them both before… but you know how sometimes you can push something back into the corner of your mind so you don't have to REALLY know it's there, even if you suspect it? It's kind of like when the wife suspects her husband is being unfaithful to her, and still never asks the man if he is cheating on her because she is too afraid to confirm her fears? I think that's the tendency of human nature.

I have sabotaged every little good thing I've had. I always try to find the bad side of it and when I do, I start behaving badly in order to get someone to leave or something to end. Obviously, I tend to regret them later on, because of this tragical feeling: fear of loneliness.

It's embarassing to admit that. Really it is, and this thing has got to change... but how? I just don't really know...

I see things going in a direction that isn't leading somewhere I want to be and yet, I know I'm not capable enough to change that about myself.